My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
