My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
