you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I need to stop coming to work sober
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
