Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
