i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
