You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
