I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
