we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
We're too hungover to prance.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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