You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
