My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
