I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
