u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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