Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
