Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
