Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
