I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
the day after is always just damage control
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
