We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My vagina just clenched in fear
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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