sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
