Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
