I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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