My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
