am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
