are you still at the devil's house?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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