I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
