Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
