i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
