i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
