No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
