so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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