Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
