your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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