Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I got inside last night via doggy door
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
