Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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