There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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