Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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