Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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