I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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