i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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