I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
wow bdsm is so cute
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
