any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
