Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
