Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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