Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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