I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
