My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
