is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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