Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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