I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
