I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
