turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
